Marriage Tip #20

"You always do that!"

"You never do this for me."

"Why do you always have to do that?"

I'm sure that we have heard and said any number of these phrases in our lifetime. I know that I have caught myself with these words rolling of my tongue before. In marriage, they can be extremely damaging. Unfortunately, I have said these words in other relationships, and found them trying to escape off my tongue a few times in marriage too.

A while back I was taking a class that talked about how to conflict well. There were certain rules that they laid out on how to "fight fair" and one thing that has stuck with me since then is that you need to remove the words "always" and "never" completely from your vocabulary in conflict and when confronting others with issues.

That is for very good reason, and because of that, it is my tip to you today as well. Whether you are married or not, we are all in relationships with other people. Our parents, peers, co-workers, spouses, we are surrounded by relationships. And it is inevitable that we will experience conflict in these relationships. How we handle it and what we say is huge, and in marriage, it is so crucial to pay attention to what we are saying.

Zach and I agreed early on that we wanted to keep "always" and "never" from our vocabulary when in conflict and when approaching each other about an issue. Zach does an amazing job of staying true to this, and I know that I am sorry to say that I have found these words escaping from my mouth a few times. Nothing ever detrimentally damaging, but I knew the instant I said it that I shouldn't have.

For one, always and never are strong words. And using them to address an issue paints a picture that just isn't true. For example "oh you ALWAYS do this and it's so annoying!" Well, be honest with yourself. Do they ALWAYS do it? No. Another example "you NEVER do this anymore." Really? NEVER? I think you get the picture that we exaggerate a little bit in our frustrations and emotions and pull out the "big guns" with these words.

In the class that I first learned about these "rules" they gave suggestions for what to do so that you do not use "always" and "never." First was to use the specific example. Explain your heart and how a particular situation made you feel. Don't group everything together. Give the specific situation so that you can both work through it together.

Some other suggestions that I have found to be helpful? Think before you speak. Much easier said than done, but it is vital. Slow down, take a breath. Take stock. Ask yourself what is really happening and what you are really feeling. What is the real issue? Chances are it's not the measly little thing that happened, but a deeper root. Be willing to be vulnerable and truly share your heart in a non threatening way.

In marriage, we are both imperfect people coming together. The Lord gives us so much grace, and we need to extend that to one another. Myself included in this! I have so much work to do on this area. Have patience for one another and be willing to be honest. Share your heart.

And another huge suggestion? Pray together. So many flaming arrows from the enemy can be extinguished when you come together and pray. Lay it all down before the Lord and come together in unity with him. Marriage is such a scared and special covenant, and the Enemy would like nothing more than to tear that apart. So, we must be watchful, and pray continuously!

What is your experience with the words "always" and "never?" Do you ever struggle with this too? What are ways that you try to conflict well with your spouse so you can resolve an issue and love each other the best you can?

Marriage Tip #16

Let's talk about something for a minute here. Now, I realize that this is a very hot button topic. Very taboo, especially in certain circles. It can be awkward to talk about. But these are some of the reasons that I am passionate about it.

Let's talk about sex.

Yikes. Yup, I said SEX.

It's more than a three letter word, it's more than a one night stand, and it is absolutely more than a physical act. And I wish it was talked about more in the right context and in the right light. I wish the truth was shed on it more.

I heard a fantastic quote, I can't remember where or who said it, but it stuck with me, and it is the topic of our marriage tip tonight. The quote is this...

"Satan tries everything to get you to have sex before marriage, and he tries everything to get you to not have sex when you are married."

Y'all. Let's be real. I could write a book about my feelings on what "sex" is in our culture and how it has been hijacked to mean something totally different. Ask people and many will say that sex is just that...sex. Intercourse. Two people in a physical act. It's really not a big deal, everyone does it.

How has something so beautiful been so marred?

In marriage, sex and INTIMACY have been dumbed down. Sex in marriage has been made to be this boring thing, something that husbands grumble about because their wives are "too tired." Intimacy is overlooked in favor of other distractions. True vulnerability, intimacy and closeness is being lost. And the consequences of that can be huge.

Now we are not going to get into the nitty gritty details here. I believe what happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom, because it is a safe place, and that is true for Zach and I's marriage. The bedroom is our place, and our intimacy is sacred and special to us.

But the whole point of this tip is to challenge you to really look at your intimate life with your spouse. Do you find yourself shying away from sex and intimacy? Or do you delight in its joys?

Put a top priority on intimacy with your spouse! This doesn't always mean sex, like I said, intimacy is much more than just the physical aspect of sex, although that is an important key. Intimacy is being open, vulnerable and connected with your spouse, and that can happen through many things, sex included.

When you place a priority on intimacy, that openness creates trust, safety, and connection. Isn't it just the most relieving feeling in the world to be balanced and on the same page with your spouse? That feeling of calm and peace? Intimacy creates that. Intimacy fosters that, grows it, and nurtures that.

Honestly, I really could go on and on on this topic of sex. I could take it a thousand different topical directions. But the bottom line is that sex and intimacy in marriage is absolutely vital. Find a way to make it a priority in your marriage and protect that time. It's not something dirty or to be hidden in the dark, or a chore to be checked off and completed. God created it to be a sacred and special time for a husband and wife to connect and be one. One in body, heart, spirit and life.

Don't wait for a time to present itself. Make time.

How do you protect intimate time with your spouse? Brainstorm some ways you can put boundaries around the time you have together and guard that time jealously!

Spring Date Ideas

April showers bring May flowers. Or in this case, I am really hoping that these March showers will bring April flowers! Regardless of when the flowers come, the coming of spring means a whole new world of opportunity to get out and date your mate!

Oh yes, indeed it does. The world will soon be in blossom, and after being cooped up during cold winter months, you are definitely going to want to try some of these date ideas with your spouse or significant other!

These dates don't have to cost a lot, and that is the beauty of it. Finding intentional time to get creative and have fun with your spouse is what is important! Celebrate life with them this spring!

Here are our top ten spring date ideas to get out and have some fun!

1. Grown up Easter egg hunt! Have your own Easter egg hunt...grown up style! Who says kids get to have all the fun? Get a bag of empty Easter eggs, and divide them between the two of you. You can fill them however you want! Big or small, you get creative! You can do their favorite candy, a personal coupon they can redeem, a gift card (if you have a bigger budget), LOVR notes....anything! Hide them outside or around the house and have fun!

2. Scavenger hunt! Use those eggs again for good purpose! Have a fun scavenger hunt. Again, could be around the house, or outside! Fill your Easter eggs with the clues, and lead it to a fun surprise!

3. Go have a picnic! This is the perfect time of year to have a picnic before the bugs and heat come out in full force. Go to your favorite park and have a bite to eat together!

4. Play a game outside! This could be a board game or an actual outdoor game. But there is something so fun about getting out in the fresh air and playing! Zach and I have gone to a local state park and brought a board game and just played on a picnic table. So fun!

5. Take a day hike together. Look online to find what state or national parks may be near you! They are usually very reasonably and cheaply priced to get into for the day. Fill up your water bottles, bring some snacks and hit the trails! Discover s new Area together!

6. Have a "wine and cheese" picnic. Now this you have to be careful with if you use actual wine and if you are outside your own home. Most parks prohibit open containers of any alcohol. But you could do this in your own backyard with wine, or get sparkling wine and go to a park. But go to yourblocsl grocery store, pick out a few fun cheeses to try, some crusty bread, fruit, nuts and maybe a jam, and have a very fun and sophisticated picnic together!

7. Go camping! If you don't have the time or location to fully camp for one or two nights, consider breaking out your tent in your own backyard! Make some s'mores and camp food fare and have fun. This is the perfect time of year to break out the tents.

8. Have dinner by candlelight on your patio. One of my favorite memories as a kid were the nights that we got to eat dinner out on our porch. It's a blast to change up the scenery and enjoy each others company over dinner in the delightful spring air! Don't forget the candles, and remember that Pandora and Spotify have some great playlists to accompany as well! Our most recent favorite: New Orleans Jazz!

9. Paint Easter eggs. Well, you've already hidden the plastic ones, time to hard boil some eggs, buy a dye kit, and paint Easter eggs! It may seems silly, but these fun activities get us out of the normal routine and let us have fun together. Talk about your Easter traditions as a child!

10. Take a day trip to somewhere you haven't been before, and walk around and explore. Don't plan anything except where you are going. Grab your map to get there, and just explore a new place together! Walk around, enjoy the sunshine and find unique places to come back to.

There you have, ten super fun, cheap date night ideas that you can use this spring! Take advantage of this glorious weather, get outside and have fun with each other. It is not all about what you do, but being with your spouse and spending that intentional time with them. Showing them you care by being present and enjoying life with them!

What is your favorite date idea for spring?

Fall Fun With Your Spouse

Autumn is quickly falling around us. Leaves are beginning to change their hues, temperatures are slowly but surely getting a little bit cooler, and the anticipation for the turn of the season is heavy in the air. I don’t know about you, but there is just something about the season of fall that makes me want to be outside even more.

Maybe it’s the impending cold temperatures of winter and more dreary days ahead. Maybe it’s the crisp air, the wonderfully distinct smell of fall hanging heavy on the air, the crunch of the leaves beneath your feet, or the warmth and thanksgiving that is embodies in this season. It’s the last little glow of warmth before the chilly winter months.

A few weeks ago Zach and I had a coffee date and wrote out some of our goals, dreams and to do’s for this upcoming fall season. We set aside time every once in a while to dream together and plan together, so we wrote down our ideas for fall!

Of course, they may not all happen, but I wanted to share a few with you so you can take a few ideas of your own and have some fun date days and quality time with the one you love!

So here’s our top 8 list of fall activities to do with your spouse!

1. Go pick apples at an apple orchard! I used to love going to apple orchards, and Georgia (I’ve heard) has some exceptional ones! We are planning on going up to one, picking our own apples, and then coming home to make two delicious apple pies. One for us, one to give away. Any takers?

2. Take a hike! Actually, this one took several of our fall activity spots. On our list we have our standard Stone Mountain hike, hiking to Anna Ruby Falls and Raven Cliff Falls, and also to hike Blood Mountain (one of Zach’s favorites). The air is cool, take advantage of it and get some fresh air! Plus, you might see some great fall color!

3. Make hot apple cider and watch a fall-y movie. Who doesn’t like hot apple cider? Get some caramel apples or kettle corn to go with this and your movie and you’re set! Some of our fall-y movies are the Harry Potter series, the good ol’ Charlie Brown holiday movies, and even a Christmas movie or two thrown in there for good fun.

4. Go to a pumpkin patch, pick our your pumpkins and then carve them together! We actually got a pumpkin last year and carved it, but I sort of butchered it from an owl to a really odd looking smiley face. Practice makes perfect, right? Maybe I better get two pumpkins this year.

5. Make a “no sew” fleece blanket together. What’s cozier in fall than a nice warm blanket? I’m telling you, these no sew blankets are the best. We made one together last year and decided we want to make another together this year. It’s a fun little project to do together, and super easy as well! Put on a movie or some nice music in the background and you’re good to go!

6. Visit Helen, Georgia. If you have read some of my blogs before, you may have heard this quaint little town’s name pop up every now and then. Zach and I have a lot of special memories in this little Bavarian Georgia town, and it is hopping during the fall!

7. Cook your own version of Thanksgiving dinner together. I love to cook, and Thanksgiving is one of Zach and I’s favorite holidays next to Christmas. We love being around family and friends, and sharing a meal together. We also want to start our own traditions, so we are going to make our own Thanksgiving dinner as well! We’ll get some practice cooking that turkey, and I mean, who doesn’t like Thanksgiving leftovers, come on!

8. Visit Dahlonega, Georgia during their scarecrow festival. Yup, scarecrow festival. They’re apparently everywhere! If you’re not in Georgia, see what events and festivals are happening around you! Chances are, there’s some fun stuff happening, and it might be for free or cheap!

So there you have it, folks. Just a few creative little ideas of things you can do with your spouse this fall. Check out your city events to see if there are any fall festivals going on, or in any nearby towns! It’s always fun to explore a new place together, and you just might find your next favorite little spot!

What's YOUR favorite fall tradition?