Marriage Tip #20

"You always do that!"

"You never do this for me."

"Why do you always have to do that?"

I'm sure that we have heard and said any number of these phrases in our lifetime. I know that I have caught myself with these words rolling of my tongue before. In marriage, they can be extremely damaging. Unfortunately, I have said these words in other relationships, and found them trying to escape off my tongue a few times in marriage too.

A while back I was taking a class that talked about how to conflict well. There were certain rules that they laid out on how to "fight fair" and one thing that has stuck with me since then is that you need to remove the words "always" and "never" completely from your vocabulary in conflict and when confronting others with issues.

That is for very good reason, and because of that, it is my tip to you today as well. Whether you are married or not, we are all in relationships with other people. Our parents, peers, co-workers, spouses, we are surrounded by relationships. And it is inevitable that we will experience conflict in these relationships. How we handle it and what we say is huge, and in marriage, it is so crucial to pay attention to what we are saying.

Zach and I agreed early on that we wanted to keep "always" and "never" from our vocabulary when in conflict and when approaching each other about an issue. Zach does an amazing job of staying true to this, and I know that I am sorry to say that I have found these words escaping from my mouth a few times. Nothing ever detrimentally damaging, but I knew the instant I said it that I shouldn't have.

For one, always and never are strong words. And using them to address an issue paints a picture that just isn't true. For example "oh you ALWAYS do this and it's so annoying!" Well, be honest with yourself. Do they ALWAYS do it? No. Another example "you NEVER do this anymore." Really? NEVER? I think you get the picture that we exaggerate a little bit in our frustrations and emotions and pull out the "big guns" with these words.

In the class that I first learned about these "rules" they gave suggestions for what to do so that you do not use "always" and "never." First was to use the specific example. Explain your heart and how a particular situation made you feel. Don't group everything together. Give the specific situation so that you can both work through it together.

Some other suggestions that I have found to be helpful? Think before you speak. Much easier said than done, but it is vital. Slow down, take a breath. Take stock. Ask yourself what is really happening and what you are really feeling. What is the real issue? Chances are it's not the measly little thing that happened, but a deeper root. Be willing to be vulnerable and truly share your heart in a non threatening way.

In marriage, we are both imperfect people coming together. The Lord gives us so much grace, and we need to extend that to one another. Myself included in this! I have so much work to do on this area. Have patience for one another and be willing to be honest. Share your heart.

And another huge suggestion? Pray together. So many flaming arrows from the enemy can be extinguished when you come together and pray. Lay it all down before the Lord and come together in unity with him. Marriage is such a scared and special covenant, and the Enemy would like nothing more than to tear that apart. So, we must be watchful, and pray continuously!

What is your experience with the words "always" and "never?" Do you ever struggle with this too? What are ways that you try to conflict well with your spouse so you can resolve an issue and love each other the best you can?

Marriage Tip #17

Really, this should be called life tip #17, because whether you are married, or single, this tip applies to you. To all of us. Myself and Zach included.

It is something that has come up recently when Zach and I talk about how we can love each other better and what we can do for our marriage.

The tip?

Unplug.

I have talked about this topic before, but it really is that important and it also has been in our hearts lately so I wanted to share the tip with you, too!

In our culture, everything is at our fingertips, so it seems. In even writing this blog post from my phone. We have more access to knowledge and information than ever before. We have more "connections" than ever before.

But that advantage so often becomes our disadvantage. And it can be damaging on relationships.

You can see it practically everywhere you go. People "multitasking" while on their phone. Go to a restaurant and count how many times you see people looking at their phones while in conversation with someone else.

And I am just as guilty, mind you! Though because I am aware of it, Zach and I are both very intentional about our time together.

Our tip is to take time to unplug. Put your phone away while on a date. In fact, leave it at home. Remember how we used to get along fine without a phone on us when we went out? It is possible.

This week Zach and I are taking a week off of TV and not watching and shows or movies. Just a personal choice, we never watch it excessively, but we want to be intentional about our time together.

Removing the distraction of technology gives way to more creativity together! Explore and adventure together. Discover new things, find things out the old fashioned way. Communicate face to face, eye to eye, heart to heart.

Take a bath together, read a book, build a fire. Go camp for a night or just set up your tent in the backyard. Have an uninterrupted coffee date. Make dinner together.

Technology is not evil by any means. It is a fantastic tool. But we have to be intentional in our lives and especially in our marriages, and make way for intentional, face to face, uninterrupted time for each other.

Will you unplug?

Make Time For Fun

Perhaps one of the saddest things that I see in our country and culture today is the lack of balance in our priorities. We forget what is truly important in life- the people we love and living life with them. While a career and good income and the “American dream” qualities are not bad in and of themselves, a lot of times we focus so much on that that we forget the thread that holds all life together- relationships.

Something that I am very passionate about is making time for fun and making time to invest in your relationships. Whether that is with God in quiet time, with your spouse, family, friends, or whoever, it is vital to create time in your life for relationships. There have been seasons of my life where I did not, and everything got out of balance.

One great, practical tip that you can start implementing is actually scheduling time for fun with your family. I know it may sound silly, but when you intentionally carve out time specifically for your family and relationships, and protect that, some wonderful things happen. Conversations, adventures, and life, and those things last far longer than any amount of money ever will. Those memories you can cherish forever.

Ever since Zach and I have been together, we have been intentional about having a date night (or day) every week. It can vary depending on work and what is going on, but we always make sure we have intentionally set aside that time to spend together and build our relationship. And boy have we had some fun adventures!

Go check out a movie together.

Or explore a nearby town...

Something else I do is write down on my weekly to do list to connect with people, whether by phone, text, or in person. I make it my intention to connect with those I love and build those relationships.

Don’t get so caught up that you forget how to have fun, or get so busy that you feel so overwhelmed that you can’t breath. Stop, slow down, and make time for the fun. You have to find the balance!

So as we conclude this short time management series, I encourage you to take time and pencil in intentional relationship tip with the people in your life. Whether a date night with your significant other, family time, or girls night out, write it down and do it!

Let’s hear from you now! Do you already pencil in activities like this, or do you typically wing it?

Creating Community

Ever since I went on the World Race a few years ago, my idea of community has been shattered. Living with six other people and doing life with them literally twenty four seven will do that to you. You see the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful, sometimes all in the same day. And that creates a bond like no other, and a community that is incredibly unique.

Sometimes we related it to a marriage, but between seven people. Of course there are some parts not included in there. But, as a team, we HAD to work through issues. We HAD to communicate daily with each other through the good and the bad. We were there for one another, we were vulnerable and we lived life together.

But life after the World Race has posed a different problem. How do I create community in such a different environment- America? Where everyone has their own daily schedule, usually "slap full" as my hubby would say, and always on the go? It hasn't been easy to say the least, and my husband and I are still working on really forming a solid community around us.

But, it has to start somewhere and you have to take action. So I want to share just a few ideas that we have been using to really foster the community around us in our lives, and what we are trying to be intentional in doing to be in community with others.

1. Share a meal with someone. This may be one of our favorites, and something we have made a goal in our marriage. We made a goal before we were married and also at the beginning of this year that we wanted to have at least one person or couple over to our home for dinner. So far we've made most months. One with none, and a few with multiple. It has been such a joyous thing, because for one, I love to cook, and I love being a "hostess." But I was so blown away by the hospitality I experienced overseas, and Zach and I wanted to replicate that here at home. Invite people in, slow down, talk and enjoy a meal together.

2. Get involved. While we are still trying to find our home church and where God is truly calling us (both church wise and actually where we want to live long term), we have been striving to get involved with the church we have regularly been attending. It's a larger church than what I am used to, but the people are genuine, and loving. The pastor truly teaches from the Bible and is not afraid to speak the truth in love, and I love that. But Zach and I have been making it a point to get involved in the Sunday school there with other married couples to meet new people. It's a great way to get out and make new friends! Consider where you can plug in and get involved yourself.

3. Be the initiator. This is something that I'm really passionate about. I feel like so many people just kind of fade away from community because of this- they don't want to initiate. It may be because we feel awkward, or are afraid of rejection, or just don't know how to go about it. But for me, I have learned that if I want something like community, I have to initiate it. Mostly because people today are so busy that they don't realize they can still have community. But, if you are persistent, and you just talk to people and invite them with open hands into your life, you might be surprised by the response.

Even though we are all "busy" in life, we crave community. We crave that wonderful, almost rare now, human face to face connection. I know that it brings me life and joy to connect with people- whether it's over the phone or face to face. Being able to invite people into my home is such a gift to my heart, and I enjoy making it a space of peace and retreat and refreshment.

I encourage you today, that if you are not in community with other people, consider some of these tips and implement just one. Just try one out and see where it leads you. You never know who you may meet, or what God has in store for you. But don't miss out on the valuable community potential that is around you, no matter where you are. 

How Men and Women Think

Recently my husband and I watched a video clip by a pastor who was talking about the differences between men’s brains and women’s brains. Now, of course, we all know that we are different. We know that men tend to act and think one way, and women tend to act and think another way. Subconsciously we know that. But I have found that even though we know that, we still expect the opposite sex to act and think the way we do.

At least that is what I have found in our first year of marriage. Thankfully we have been able to work through these differences and laugh about the times that we have gotten worked up over it. It’s a lesson that I’m still learning and trying to understand.

Take a few minutes and watch the clip that we saw “The Tale of Two Brains.” The pastor is really funny, and presents the information in a way that just made me go “YES! EXACTLY!” to everything he said about women’s brains, and made Zach say yes about all he said in regards to men’s brains.

Whether or not you are married, this is an important lesson to grasp on, because we all deal with people of the opposite sex. But this is especially key in marriage, in communicating and understanding our spouses.

The thing that I have the hardest time understanding is the “nothing box.” As a woman, and as a creative mind, I tend to be thinking about everything. And like he said, it’s all connected. It’s normal for me, and it doesn’t stress me out. It’s just how it is. And on the flip side, that is hard for my husband to understand- that I could always be thinking about something.

Honestly, it makes me laugh. God created us so uniquely as men and women. In marriage, you notice the differences more drastically, and it forces you to take on the selflessness of Christ and love your spouse and work to understand them.

Zach and I have both said that one thing marriage exposes is selfishness. It is a constant, daily battle to lay down our own right and agenda and be selfless. Do we always get it right? No. Do we strive to do better than the day before? Absolutely.

Being different is not a bad thing. God gave us differences on purpose, and really, we complement one another. If you take away anything from this, hear this- don’t try to fight to change the other to your way of thinking as a man or a woman. Instead, be selfless and learn to see things through their eyes and be understanding.

Work together. God has intended for us to be a team, so find a way to act like it. It’s hard, but it’s worth it!

Now let’s hear what your favorite part of the clip was! What was surprising to you?

Dreaming With Your Spouse

Today was one of those days that was like a deep breath in and a deep sigh out. A day for writing, laughing, lounging, rocking on a porch and talking about dreams and goals. My husband and I typically have one day off entirely together, and today was that day.

I absolutely love the conversations that we have. While we were in the car driving today, he put up with and answered silly questions that come to my mind like "if you could live in any historical era, what would it be?" and "if you could visit any ancient civilization, what would it be?". We actually had some great discussion from it.

Perhaps one of my favorite topics of discussion though is dreaming and goal setting. I am a goal person for sure. At the beginning of the week, month and year I create lists, dreams and goals that I want to accomplish. All you have to do is come over to our apartment and you'll see them plastered on the fridge and on the walls.

Today was one of those days that my husband and I sat out on a porch, the cool summer breeze blowing by as the clouds rumored of a storm. We rocked in the classical southern rocking chairs, and we talked about our dreams and goals together.

Where we see ourselves in the next two years, what we want to accomplish, who we want to help, how we want to bless others, what we will be doing, and so on. Now, I am the first to tell you that God is in the business of the unexpected. I know that my plans and dreams are fully in his hands, and I will accept his guidance.

But I also think that it's important to always be moving forward with a goal in mind. I am so thankful for a husband who is willing to sit down and set goals with me, and ask me what we want our goals to be. If you have never set goals with your spouse, I would really encourage you to try. It doesn't have to be huge, in fact, it can just start small.

Here are a few questions that my husband and I regularly ask each other to hear each other's hearts, and to set and track our goals for the future.

1. What's one thing I can do to love you better this week?

2. What's one goal that you want to accomplish together this month?

3. What's one tangible thing I can do this week that will show my love for you?

4. What do you see for the next year for us? 

5. What's one thing you want to do together in the next six months?

These are just some basic questions that we ask each other. Our answers change and vary. They can be as simple as having the other write a note or give an extra hug to show our love and appreciation. Our goals can vary from paying something off to taking a hike at a place we've been talking about.

Dreaming together and building your lives together is so important. And communication about those topics creates intimacy. I really encourage you to ask just one question and both answer it for each other. See each other's hearts and set a goal that you can both push for together.

What are some of your big dreams? Share one below!