Marriage Tip #16

Let's talk about something for a minute here. Now, I realize that this is a very hot button topic. Very taboo, especially in certain circles. It can be awkward to talk about. But these are some of the reasons that I am passionate about it.

Let's talk about sex.

Yikes. Yup, I said SEX.

It's more than a three letter word, it's more than a one night stand, and it is absolutely more than a physical act. And I wish it was talked about more in the right context and in the right light. I wish the truth was shed on it more.

I heard a fantastic quote, I can't remember where or who said it, but it stuck with me, and it is the topic of our marriage tip tonight. The quote is this...

"Satan tries everything to get you to have sex before marriage, and he tries everything to get you to not have sex when you are married."

Y'all. Let's be real. I could write a book about my feelings on what "sex" is in our culture and how it has been hijacked to mean something totally different. Ask people and many will say that sex is just that...sex. Intercourse. Two people in a physical act. It's really not a big deal, everyone does it.

How has something so beautiful been so marred?

In marriage, sex and INTIMACY have been dumbed down. Sex in marriage has been made to be this boring thing, something that husbands grumble about because their wives are "too tired." Intimacy is overlooked in favor of other distractions. True vulnerability, intimacy and closeness is being lost. And the consequences of that can be huge.

Now we are not going to get into the nitty gritty details here. I believe what happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom, because it is a safe place, and that is true for Zach and I's marriage. The bedroom is our place, and our intimacy is sacred and special to us.

But the whole point of this tip is to challenge you to really look at your intimate life with your spouse. Do you find yourself shying away from sex and intimacy? Or do you delight in its joys?

Put a top priority on intimacy with your spouse! This doesn't always mean sex, like I said, intimacy is much more than just the physical aspect of sex, although that is an important key. Intimacy is being open, vulnerable and connected with your spouse, and that can happen through many things, sex included.

When you place a priority on intimacy, that openness creates trust, safety, and connection. Isn't it just the most relieving feeling in the world to be balanced and on the same page with your spouse? That feeling of calm and peace? Intimacy creates that. Intimacy fosters that, grows it, and nurtures that.

Honestly, I really could go on and on on this topic of sex. I could take it a thousand different topical directions. But the bottom line is that sex and intimacy in marriage is absolutely vital. Find a way to make it a priority in your marriage and protect that time. It's not something dirty or to be hidden in the dark, or a chore to be checked off and completed. God created it to be a sacred and special time for a husband and wife to connect and be one. One in body, heart, spirit and life.

Don't wait for a time to present itself. Make time.

How do you protect intimate time with your spouse? Brainstorm some ways you can put boundaries around the time you have together and guard that time jealously!

Spring Date Ideas

April showers bring May flowers. Or in this case, I am really hoping that these March showers will bring April flowers! Regardless of when the flowers come, the coming of spring means a whole new world of opportunity to get out and date your mate!

Oh yes, indeed it does. The world will soon be in blossom, and after being cooped up during cold winter months, you are definitely going to want to try some of these date ideas with your spouse or significant other!

These dates don't have to cost a lot, and that is the beauty of it. Finding intentional time to get creative and have fun with your spouse is what is important! Celebrate life with them this spring!

Here are our top ten spring date ideas to get out and have some fun!

1. Grown up Easter egg hunt! Have your own Easter egg hunt...grown up style! Who says kids get to have all the fun? Get a bag of empty Easter eggs, and divide them between the two of you. You can fill them however you want! Big or small, you get creative! You can do their favorite candy, a personal coupon they can redeem, a gift card (if you have a bigger budget), LOVR notes....anything! Hide them outside or around the house and have fun!

2. Scavenger hunt! Use those eggs again for good purpose! Have a fun scavenger hunt. Again, could be around the house, or outside! Fill your Easter eggs with the clues, and lead it to a fun surprise!

3. Go have a picnic! This is the perfect time of year to have a picnic before the bugs and heat come out in full force. Go to your favorite park and have a bite to eat together!

4. Play a game outside! This could be a board game or an actual outdoor game. But there is something so fun about getting out in the fresh air and playing! Zach and I have gone to a local state park and brought a board game and just played on a picnic table. So fun!

5. Take a day hike together. Look online to find what state or national parks may be near you! They are usually very reasonably and cheaply priced to get into for the day. Fill up your water bottles, bring some snacks and hit the trails! Discover s new Area together!

6. Have a "wine and cheese" picnic. Now this you have to be careful with if you use actual wine and if you are outside your own home. Most parks prohibit open containers of any alcohol. But you could do this in your own backyard with wine, or get sparkling wine and go to a park. But go to yourblocsl grocery store, pick out a few fun cheeses to try, some crusty bread, fruit, nuts and maybe a jam, and have a very fun and sophisticated picnic together!

7. Go camping! If you don't have the time or location to fully camp for one or two nights, consider breaking out your tent in your own backyard! Make some s'mores and camp food fare and have fun. This is the perfect time of year to break out the tents.

8. Have dinner by candlelight on your patio. One of my favorite memories as a kid were the nights that we got to eat dinner out on our porch. It's a blast to change up the scenery and enjoy each others company over dinner in the delightful spring air! Don't forget the candles, and remember that Pandora and Spotify have some great playlists to accompany as well! Our most recent favorite: New Orleans Jazz!

9. Paint Easter eggs. Well, you've already hidden the plastic ones, time to hard boil some eggs, buy a dye kit, and paint Easter eggs! It may seems silly, but these fun activities get us out of the normal routine and let us have fun together. Talk about your Easter traditions as a child!

10. Take a day trip to somewhere you haven't been before, and walk around and explore. Don't plan anything except where you are going. Grab your map to get there, and just explore a new place together! Walk around, enjoy the sunshine and find unique places to come back to.

There you have, ten super fun, cheap date night ideas that you can use this spring! Take advantage of this glorious weather, get outside and have fun with each other. It is not all about what you do, but being with your spouse and spending that intentional time with them. Showing them you care by being present and enjoying life with them!

What is your favorite date idea for spring?

Marriage Tip #8

Marriage and Money. Two very strong "M" words that I know I have shared on before, but they are so powerful that they are definitely worth revisiting. Zach and I are in the process of going through Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, which if you haven't heard of it, or done it, I highly recommend, even if you are in a good place financially.

Therefore, my eighth marriage tip is centered around marriage and money. Get yourself on a budget, even if it's only for a little time.

We have learned so many things by doing this program together. It's allowed us to realize we are not the only ones who have a "spender" and a "saver" in the relationship, and that in fact, that's usually how it goes, and we balance each other out.

We have learned practical ways to save money, start paying off our debt, and how to communicate about our finances in a way that makes sense to both of us. We play off each other's strengths. For example, I love details and spreadsheets, and I happen to be the planner, and the "saver" mentality. For me, doing the budget every month and tracking it in a spreadsheet is fun. Yes, I'm a nerd.

One really practical thing that we have learned, implemented and found incredibly helpful to our marriage is using the "envelope" system. I'm sure that even if you haven't heard of Dave Ramsey, you might have a general idea of what the envelope system is. 

The truth that we have learned is that cash does in fact hurt more to spend than swiping a card. It makes you pause and think through your decisions together more. So Zach and I decided last fall to start using the envelope system for certain categories of our spending.

We use it for things like our tithing and saving, for gas money, groceries (this is probably the biggest area that helps reduce excess spending that you might not even know you're doing), saving for certain payments, and saving for certain other things throughout the year.

Honestly, I was excited to see how it worked in our marriage, but hesitant, too. From what I have heard over the years and from many other married couples is that finances can be a huge stressor on marriage if you don't come into agreement and communicate about it.

Being able to have a budget, come together and discuss your common financial goals and ideas, put it down on paper and literally see your cash going to those certain places is very relieving and very freeing. You would think that it might tighten things up, but it's the exact opposite. It has freed up our cash flow, and we are telling our money where to go, instead of wondering where it all went at the end of the month.

If you haven't ever tried a budget, there are so many tools online that can guide you and help you. If you want specifically to know about the envelope system, I believe you can even look up some tools through Dave Ramsey's website, or you can contact me and ask me some questions as well.

The biggest thing is to get on the same page as your spouse about money. Even if things are tight, by communicating and working together through the financial issues, you open the doors for more grace and teamwork, instead of becoming divided and defensive. Take a little bit of time this week, get outside your comfort zone and have a conversation with your spouse about finances and open that communication up!

What about you? Do you already have a budget in place with your spouse? What methods have you found have helped you with marriage and finances? I would love to hear from you! 

Marriage Tip #7

Be intentional.

In a culture where technology abounds, smart phones are owned by six year olds, and there is something scheduled for almost every second of the day, being intentional can be hard. It can be hard to say "no" to good things, pause, and spend time with those we love. Our culture is fast paced, and moving even faster.

Something that I have written on my daily goal list is to spend intentional, quality face to face time with Zach every day. I intentionally put my phone on vibrate, flip it upside down, put it in another room, close the computer, and just BE with him. It could be something as simple as just cuddling together on the couch, playing a game of Scrabble, going on a coffee date, or taking a trip to one of our favorite store to window shop.

But there is something incredibly freeing and wonderful about being intentional with the one you love. It allows you to truly see your spouse. Not just to be in the same room or at the same table with them while you scroll through Facebook or Instagram.

Be in your life. Be in your relationship with your spouse. Find the things you love to do together, and protect that time above all else.

For Zach and I another way that we make sure that our intentional time happens is that we plan a date day every week, and take turns planning the date. Again, they could be simple, or more elaborate. The point is to study each other, get to know one another (yes, even after you are married), and talk with each other. Have fun together!

Something else that we are establishing this year for our marriage goals is to have one "intentional day" a month for the other spouse. What this looks like for us is this, the month where Zach has his "intentional day," he chooses something for both of us to do together that he loves to do. I may or may not like it as much as he does, but the point is that we are intentionally doing it together. For him, that might mean taking me shopping with him at a store that I wouldn't go to normally, but I go with him and enjoy it intentionally with him.

For my intentional day that might look like me picking out a project for us to do together or doing something crafty together. That probably would not be something that Zach would just pick up and do on his own, but he is intentionally doing it with me, and we are spending that time together, which is the most important factor.

Figure out what being intentional looks like for your marriage relationship, and write down your plan. Don't just leave it hanging up in the air to maybe happen in the future. Write it down, mark it in your calendar in pen, and set aside that time intentionally to be together. It's absolutely worth the investment you make into one another and into your marriage.

So, let me hear from you. How do you spend time intentionally with your spouse?

Marriage Tip #6

Christmas has come and gone all too quickly, I am afraid. When I was a kid, everything seemed to magically slow down around the twinkling Christmas tree, and now time comes flying at us and runs me over. Never the less, this Christmas was one I will always cherish.

It was our second Christmas together as a married couple, and we just passed our one year anniversary this month! It's crazy to think how quickly a year has gone by, and I know the second will come just as swiftly. This time of year is our absolute favorite, too.

Not just because it's our anniversary, but because it's Christmas! The time to celebrate the birth of our Savior, and a time that both Zach and I have adored since we were small. It's been a blessing to create our own memories and traditions together this year!

Which brings me to my next marriage tip...take time to create your own traditions with your spouse!

I promise you, it can be a lot of fun.

Your traditions don't have to be anything incredibly elaborate, though if that's your style, go for it! We started a few of our own traditions this year, and I'm confident that we will continue to add our own as the years go on.

Since becoming a Georgia peach, I have learned that the south takes tradition very seriously. Which isn't a bad thing. I actually really have enjoyed being a part of Zach's families traditions, which inspired me to think of our own traditions to add to the mix!

Here are some of the traditions that we created this year, and some ideas of what you can do, too!

1. Made popcorn and cranberry garland while watching a Christmas movie. Yup, old fashioned air popped pop corn and fresh cranberries! Get some string, a needle and get to creating! It's seriously a lot of fun, just don't poke your fingers!

2. Visited Stone Mountain Christmas. This is a local attraction in Atlanta, and one that Zach has gone to for years! It was really special to go with him as his wife this year. Find a local Christmas or holiday event that you guys can make into a yearly tradition to attend!

3. Host our own Christmas party! This was a first for me! And my little hostess heart was so happy to have so many dear people in our living room. We had an ornament exchange party with a hot chocolate and dessert bar. Really easy to do, and everyone gets something to put on their tree!

4. Have a home cooked Christmas dinner. We debated whether we wanted to do this Christmas Eve or Christmas day, but this year it ended up being Christmas day, and it was wonderful! Be sure to get all your ingredients before hand, and make a nice dinner for your spouse!

5. Watch your favorite Christmas movie together (or several). Zach and I have watched countless Christmas movies (A Christmas Story is one of our all time favorites). You can grab some hot chocolate, curl up in some cozy Christmas pajamas, and relax together!

There are just a very few ideas of some traditions you could start on your own. Like I said, they could be more elaborate, or really simple! The point is that you are intentionally making memories together, and that it means something to you both!

Make it a point to invest time and love into your relationship with your spouse this year. Traditions can be created any time of year, not just the holidays, and it can create a lifetime of wonderful memories ahead!

What's your favorite tradition with your sweetie?

Marriage Tip #4

“I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”

Six extremely powerful, weighted words. Sometimes they are easy to say because we know without a doubt we are in the wrong. Other times they are bitter and hard to get out because we don’t want to be wrong, and our pride is welling up. But these six words are like a healing salve in a marriage relationship.

I can’t even count the amount of times that I have had to come to Zach and tell him I’m sorry, and ask for his forgiveness. I can be quick to speak, slow to listen, and back seat drive just a little too much (but I’ve gotten better!). Sometimes it hurts to say those little words, but other times, it’s incredibly freeing and like a breath of fresh air.

There is no doubt about it, these words are powerful in marriage, and my fourth marriage tip is to freely use these words in your relationship.

Do not be slow to say them and let bitterness grow a root in your heart. Don’t say them insincerely, but actually mean it. Put aside your pride, lay aside your differences and find resolve.

Every day I feel like I’m learning how to love my sweet husband Zach better. Some days I get it right, other days, even after the prayer has left my lips I get it horribly wrong. I am not a perfect person, and neither is he. When you bring two imperfect people into one relationship in marriage, you bring a lot of stuff you have to work through together, and you have to say “I’m sorry” a lot.

But, even though it can hurt your pride to say it sometimes, “I’m sorry” and “will you forgive me” opens the flood gates of healing in a relationship, or can, if you let it. There have been days where Zach and I get started on the wrong foot, and we have to stop, talk through what’s happening, and ask literally if we can just “start the day over.”

Of course we can’t turn back time, but it may quite literally mean just re-saying “good morning” and committing to each other that we are starting on a new foot together.

Marriage has brought out so many lessons for each of us. It reveals how truly selfish we can be, because you are not living for only one person now, you are both one, but you have two people. That causes friction, conflict, and just LIFE to happen.

But the key is to recognize what is going on, to stop fighting each other and fight what the root is. Say you’re sorry, drop it, and move forward. Forgive as the Lord has forgiven you. Don’t hold onto things, but let them go and be free with your spouse.

The bottom line…don’t let pride, bitterness, or stubbornness get in between you and the one you love. When something happens, immediately bring it before them if you can, and ask for forgiveness, and let the healing begin.

What about you? Is it hard or easy for you usually to say you’re sorry?

Marriage Tip #3

“Laughter is the best medicine!”

You have probably heard this quote a thousand times. Even though it is a well-worn saying, I have found it to be quite true! And even more true in marriage. Laughter is truly the best medicine in marriage.

That is my third marriage tip…Laugh together!

In our almost one year of marriage, Zach and I have found a lot of things to laugh at together. Some were fun adventures, some were hilarious stories told my each other or family members, some laughs were shared over difficult situations where there was nothing left to do but laugh and move on.

Of course there is a proper time to laugh, and a time not to laugh. I’m sure we have all been in situations that merit both responses. But, in marriage, I have seen the importance of being intentional about laughing together. Sometimes it is easy, others, it is not.

There are a lot of truly dark and negative things in our world. Stress, work, and life can get in the way of our joy and steal our ability to laugh at times. In marriage, if you don’t take the time to laugh together, it can add extra stress, or just remove the spark that was there.

Laughter is a simple, yet powerful thing.

When you intentionally set aside time to be together, play together, adventure together, and make memories, you create the opportunity and space to laugh, cry, and grow. You don’t always have to be laughing, but the important value behind laughter is the shared memory and intimacy you have with your spouse.

Laughter creates a bond. Remember some of your old inside jokes, think back on funny memories and share your favorite with your spouse. Make a date to do something together that makes you smile. Make new memories and inside jokes. Relive one of your first dates that you had together, or find a new favorite place together!

Lay off the seriousness and stress of life intentionally and find joy with your spouse! Remember that laughter is the best medicine!

What’s one thing about your spouse that makes you smile?

Making Marriage Pop

Being married over nine months definitely does not make me an expert in all things marriage. I feel like I’m learning something new every single day. There’s always some new facet about Zach that I learn, some quality and characteristic unearthed in him that makes me love him even more. Of course we have our days where we miscommunicate, it’s a struggle to get on the same page, and we have our bickering.

But I have found that marriage is one of the most beautiful, hard, precious and wonderful things I have experienced. It has stretched me, grown me and God has used it to show me new sides of his face.

As Zach and I have started sharing and living life together since our wedding day in December, we have found certain things that help us communicate better, stay connected, and growing closer to one another. And while we have only been married 9 months, these are things that we hope to carry on until the Lord takes us home, and things that you can try in your marriage as well.

Here is a short list of some of the things we regularly do in our marriage to keep things popping!

1. Compliment each other. Words of affirmation are near the top for both of our love languages, so it is important for us to build each other up with words. But even if words of affirmation don’t “fill your love tank” it’s always nice to hear a compliment! We have made it a habit in our nightly ritual before we go to bed to give a compliment to the other from the day, and then pray before falling asleep. It’s a little thing, but it means the world. 

2. Kiss for 10 seconds, AT LEAST once a day. Remember how when you were dating it was hard to resist a kiss from your special someone? Well keep those flames alive in your marriage and give your spouse a smooch they’ll remember all throughout the day! Really, we all have ten seconds, and it can draw your hearts together.

3. Set aside a date night every week. Just because you are married does not mean you stop dating or pursuing each other. The opposite should be true! We need to be studying our spouses, continuing to learn and pursue their hearts. Your date doesn’t have to be extravagant, but set aside that intentional time with each other.

4. Play together. Whether it’s your favorite board game (ours is Scrabble), taking a hike (we love the mountains!), walking around town, or grabbing some water guns and having an all out water fight, don’t forget how to play with your spouse. Don’t forget how to laugh and have fun with each other. Laughter is some of the best medicine around, especially for marriage!

5. Grow together. Find something that you both can learn together! Currently, Zach and I are going through Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University and learning how to be good stewards of our money. Whether it’s something like that, or reading through a book together, or listening to something together, find time to grow together individually and as a couple.

6. Ask each other questions.  Every now and then Zach and I will ask each other questions. Things like “how can I love you better?” and “what’s one thing I can do for you this week that will really mean a lot to you?” Learning to communicate is so vital and important, and you need to check up on your relationship every once in a while to get on the same page, and be honest with one another.

7. Set a goal together and go after it! I love goals. I love to set them, and I love to reach them (who doesn’t?)! When I married Zach, I was used to setting goals for myself, but since we got married we have learned that it is important to dream together and set goals together! So every few months we sit down over coffee and write out our dreams and goals. We dream big, and we also set goals realistically. It could be as simple as our goal of going to an apple orchard this fall to pick apples, or all the way up to something like paying off a credit card entirely. Goals and dreams are important to set and reach together, just as much as individually!

There you have it, just a few of the points that I have picked up on over the past nine months in our marriage. I feel so incredibly blessed by the man God brought me to marry, and I am thankful for the relationship that we have. Learn to appreciate what God has given you in your spouse, and build them up in that!

Take some of these ideas and try them yourself! And I want to hear from you, dear reader! What’s one of your marriage tips?